Monday, February 20, 2012

Letting Go

Living in chronic pain has made me incredibly grateful when I have moments that I can do things. And it has made me even more grateful when I can do these things in the rare moments of no/low pain. I do not take for granted:

  • Going grocery shopping
  • Doing the dishes
  • Talking on the phone
  • Curling my hair
  • Driving myself
  • Typing on the computer
  • Singing in church
  • Exercising at the gym
When I have a migraine, which is much of my life, all of these activities are very hard. Sometimes I cannot do them. So when the pain allows me to experience them, I am so grateful.

Last week in church, I realized during worship that I wasn't distracted. For the first time in weeks or months (I can't remember), I didn't have pain on a Sunday morning and I was able to focus on worshipping God instead of how much pain I was in. I treasured that moment. It was such a gem.

It's so frustrating though when all I want to do is sing and worship God and let go of everything. Let go of the pain. But I can't. I can let go of life's stresses, but not the pain. Does that mean I'm not really letting everything go? You're not supposed to be distracted during worship. Right? I don't have any biblical references to back this, but this is what I think. For some reason that I may not know this side of heaven, this pain is what God has given me. For now. There have been lessons and blessings through the pain. God knows if all I had to do was 'let go' and be pain free, I would be. If I'm in so much pain that I can't forget about it while worshipping God, is that okay? Yes. Because I still see God through my pain.

I don't think it's a coincidence that on the morning that I was able to sing pain-free, we sang this song....

You are here, You are here,
In Your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God,
Of all else I'm letting go.