Lately, I've been addicted to Javier Colon's recording of "Fix You".
If I were still working in psyc, I would likely bring this song in as a lyric analysis. These are some questions I would present to the group. Since I identify with this song in a way that's personal to my headache journey, I'm going to give my answers as well.
(I wrote the questions one day and answered them another, so it's almost as if this is an accurate lyric analysis.)
What did you try your best at? Finding and searching for answers for the headache. But you know that feeling when you try your best, and it's not good enough? That's how I feel.
If you didn't succeed, does that mean you failed? I don't believe I failed. I'm just not done trying.
Are what you want and what you need in life the same? No, but it would be nice if they both came true.
What do you want? To be pain free
What do you need? To be able to deal with the pain
What have you lost in your life? Relating to the headache: my ability to focus, my ability to smile and not feel like I'm faking it, my ability to run/exercise without a headache coming on, the feeling that it's easy to do things, I have temporarily quit going to our church small group because the extra noise makes my headaches intense, my patience and tolerance has significantly decreased.
What are your "lights" that guide you? (this would sure be an interesting question to ask in a psyc hospital, haha) Many people guide me and give me strength. First of all, I don't know how anyone lives with chronic pain and does not have the perspective of Jesus dying for them and one day going home to live with Him where there will be no pain and suffering. Pillars of strength on this earth are my husband and sister and family and friends. There are many co-workers that are so kind and gracious to me, even though I don't know them well, they still ask how I'm doing. I have found chronic pain blogs and communities online that provide great support and encouragement. All of these things/people give me hope and encouragement.
What does this phrase mean in your life?
"But if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth"
I will be going to the headache center in Michigan, which I think is exactly what I need. However, I still second guess myself and feel guilty about how expensive it will be and about how I will miss work and my kids won't get music therapy and how I will miss some other obligations through an organization I am an officer in. But the truth is, I am worth it. My health is worth it. And God has provided us with more than we will ever need. The reality of this as I type right now is so overwhelming. So, I have to try. I have to go even though it'll be scary, even though it will be emotionally exhausting. And by going, it proves to myself that I AM worth it. I need this.
What mistakes did you learn from? I'm not one to look back and regret, but I definitely do have mistakes to learn from. There are so many things I would have done differently had I known differently, or I would have advocated for myself more. But, at the time, I was doing the best I could with the information I had at the time. So, I know I wrote this question, but I'm choosing not to answer it. As it relates to my headache journey, I'm choosing to believe that nothing has been a mistake up until this point. Everything has fallen into place just as it should, so that I am landing in the situation I am right now.
Can someone else "fix" you? No, I do not believe that anyone on this earth can cure any other human on this earth, because only God is the ultimate healer.
In this song, who do you feel is singing to you "I will try to fix you?" All of the doctors and healthcare professionals who have made an attempt to help me. Like I said, I do not believe that they alone can fix or cure me. But I believe that if I allow myself to be vulnerable and have enough hope, then they can do their work and help me. And I believe that I will be well and live in significantly less pain.