Thursday, January 5, 2012


I wouldn't consider myself a patient person. Instead of calling myself impatient I'd just like to say that I'm proactive and like to get things done. I just don't want to wait around when there can be something done.

For the past 3 days (since I returned to work- coincidence?), the daily migraines have returned. When I left the treatment at Michigan Head Pain and Neurological Institute, my daily pain was at a lower level than when I was admitted and when it did spike it was due to noticeable triggers. I had medication to decrease the pain, and it was controllable. It hasn't been like that the last 3 days. But up until the past few days, I've been on winter break just relaxing. It will be a matter of time to see how I continue to adjust to work and real life and how my pain level is. I have to wait, even though I don't want to. There are some things I can change and some things I cannot. And I'm trying to process what all this means. Trying to be an advocate for myself and change what I can, work on what I can, and accept what I cannot.

It's a very vulnerable position to be in. I've already been through a lot. And now the pain is back? So many things are going through my head that I don't want to be there. Will I have a migraine today? Will I get better? Will I get worse this year and be just where I was before I went to MHNI? What if I find out (the stress from) my job is exacerbating my migraines and I can no longer stay at my job? I thought I was on the road to recovery, and I don't know if I can handle more 'trials', God. What if I get well and then have to go off all the drugs anyway when we want to have a baby? Should I just not have a baby, biologically, because of migraines? I'm only human, and these thoughts are hard to battle.

But here's the truth. I will get better. I've had 3 bad days in a row since being home. These bad days have also fallen during my menstrual cycle (I haven't noticed them worse during this time of the month before, but I can make note and track it). There was no reason to change my preventive medication regimen given that I was improved after returning from Michigan. I will be tracking how I'm doing and then adjustments can be made if needed. But, it's a process, and not a fast one. So I must be patient.

And here's the even bigger truth. There has been no doubt that God has had his hand in this journey all along. It was clear that He was leading us to MHNI. And I want to remain faithful to Him. He is holding me in the palm of his hand. And he has a plan for me. When you think about that, everything else doesn't seem so scary.

I'm not saying this is easy, but...
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 
James 1:2-3

*Update: Later after I posted this, I checked the barometric pressure changes for the past 3 days, and it has been fluctuating a lot which could be a factor in my increased migraine pain.

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